Bonding
by Allen the Musician
Summary: After the uprising of the zanpaktou Matsumoto decides that the Shinigami should 'bond' with their zanpaktou. Which leads to hilarity and one very disturbed child prodigy. It's a crack fic so if that's not your thing then avoid.


Disclaimer - I do not own Bleach

Bonding

After the incident where the zanpaktou were brainwashed into rebelling against their wielders Matsumoto had the brilliant idea that the Shinigami should all go out and 'bond' with their zanpaktou. That way the likelihood of a similar incident would be reduced.

Which was how a group of them had ended up standing in the middle of the Squad Ten training grounds, surrounded by the personifications of their zanpaktou.

Okay, so who the HELL had thought that this would be a good idea? Wait, that was Matsumoto. Okay, so why hadn't someone tried to stop her? Or at least pointed out the fact that it was a bad idea.

The purpose of the little excursion had been to bond with their zanpaktou but that wasn't even close to what was actually happening now that they had summoned them.

"I can't believe I let her talk me into this," Hitsugaya muttered darkly, running a hand through his already unruly white hair. Of course he'd only agreed so that Matsumoto would stop with her incessant whining but at this moment in time he was forced to wonder if perhaps that would have been more bearable.

Which was a sad commentary in and of itself.

Zabimaru, which was actually two people chained together, was completely ignoring Renji and was, instead, arguing with each other. Which, in a sense, meant that the zanpaktou was arguing with its self. And completely ignoring the person that it was supposed to be 'bonding' with. They were taking schizophrenic to frightening new levels.

But that wasn't even the worst thing, as far as Hitsugaya was concerned. Far worse were the two screeching women, who were threatening to damage his eardrums beyond repair. They had been arguing ever since they'd been summonded and everyone knew exactly what it was that they were arguing about. In fact Hitsugaya thought it highly likely that people miles away could hear their rants with extreme clarity.

Haineko and Tobiume were standing off to themselves, screaming at the top of their lungs.

"I hate you!"

"Well I hate you more you slutty looking…"

"Could someone please make those two stop?" Hitsugaya snarled, feeling the beginnings of a headache forming. He massaged his temples with the tips of his fingers, vaguely wondering how exactly Hinamori and Matsumoto put up with their zanpaktous.

They were obnoxious.

"There's no way to shut them up," Matsumoto commented, seemingly unaffected by the noise coming from a few feet away.

"How do you…"

But the child prodigy's words were cut short as the two arguing girls caught sight of Hyourinmaru, who was standing a few yards away, seemingly attempting to pretend that he was somewhere else. Vaguely Hitsugaya found himself wondering how that was working out for him since he himself wasn't having any luck at it.

"Ooh!" Haineko exclaimed, immediately rushing to Hyourinmaru's side and running her hand along his arm. Now that she'd noticed him Haineko was willing to ignore Tobiume's presence.

But of course that proved impossible.

Not to be out done by that cat eared tramp Tobiume rushed to Hyourinmaru's other side and attempted to get his attention.

Which, of course, infuriated said cat eared tramp.

"What the hell is wrong with you skank?" Haineko exclaimed, glaring at the other woman with a look that could only be described as purest loathing. How dare she get so close to Hyourinmaru? As if he'd look at someone like her when she was around. "He's mine."

"Like he'd be with someone like you," Tobiume shot back, returning the glare full force.

For his part Hyourinmaru merely stood and gazed ahead, refusing to so much as glance at either of the two women.

"Oi Captain!" Matsumoto exclaimed, seizing hold of her pint sized captain and pulling him close. She quickly placed her hands over his eyes.

This wasn't something that a child his age should be witnessing.

"Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya screamed as he felt the flesh of her… even thinking about it made him cringe. Shuddering the young captain tried desperately not to think about which part of her anatomy was pressed unbearably close to him. "What the hell are you doing?"

"You shouldn't look Captain," Matsumoto said, fighting to maintain her hold on the struggling form. It wasn't easy, seeing as her captain seemed fairly determined to gain his freedom, but she was equally determined to make sure that he remained right where he was. "You shouldn't watch something like this. I think your zanpaktou's about to be gang raped!"

Completely shocked by the words of his subordinate Captain Hitsugaya froze, momentarily forgetting where exactly he was. He sputtered, at a loss for words.

He couldn't believe that Matsumoto had actually… Okay, maybe he shouldn't really be that surprised. Matsumoto had never really been one to hold back when it came to her thoughts.

She was brutally honest and always had been.

"Oi Toushirou," a familiar, and irritating, voice called out. "I think you need to rescue your zanpaktou before something… ere bad happens."

These words, as well as the familiarity with which the Substitute Shinigami spoke, only served to further infuriate the young captain. Why did Matsumoto have to drag him along on this stupid little outing anyway? Growling low in his throat Hitsugaya pulled away from his vice-captain and made his way toward the spot where Hyourinmaru was being accosted by the other two zanpaktou.

The young prodigy opened his mouth to say something however he never got the chance.

Turning toward the newcomer both Haineko and Tobiume let out excited squeals and ran toward the white haired youth.

"SO CUTE!"

"Watch out captain!" Matsumoto exclaimed, making a move to run to his rescue. Honestly she should have seen this coming but it hadn't even crossed her mind. "They've changed targets!"

"He's a dead man," Ichigo muttered.

A split second before Hitsugaya was seized by the two women he felt another set of arms wrap around him. He tensed, expecting to feel Matsumoto's 'assets' pressing against him however that wasn't the case. This confused the young prodigy somewhat; who else would have saved him if not his vice-captain?

Glancing back he saw that it was Hyourinmaru who had came to his rescue.

"I think it's about time that we left," the zanpaktou said, his face devoid of emotion as he gazed down at his master.

"I agree," Hitsugaya said, glad that he and his zanpaktou were in agreement.

"Hey!" Matsumoto called out as Hitsugaya and Hyourinmaru vanished in a cloud of ice. She was horrified that Hitsugaya had actually found a way to escape. And after she'd been guarding him for so long. It simply wasn't fair. "Wait captain… where are you going?"

For their part both Haineko and Tobiume looked devastated that both Hyourinmaru and Hitsugaya had escaped. They stood together, identical shocked expressions on their faces.

"You know," Ukitake said, from the spot where he was playing with the twins who were the embodiment of his dual zanpaktou. There was a smile on his face, as though he'd known all along what would happen. "I'm amazed they hung around this long."

A/N - I have NO idea where this idea came from… the crack! It burns! I have no excuse for this and nothing else to say. So later.


End file.
